This Too Shall Pass

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass....

I hear the angels whisper, that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper, even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.

This too shall pass.

- India Arie, 2006 -

Start writing again...

Astagaaa...baru sadar kalau ternyata tahun ini belum satupun tulisan gue bikin di blog ini. Apa yang terjadi? terlalu sibuk sama kerjaan? terlalu malas untuk menulis?

I promise myself: 1 writing per 1 week. this is a must.

My heart's saying...

Tulisan ini terbagi beberapa bagian. All of them are some scrabblings during my healing process. And the process still goes on...progressively :)


Below was written some time in September…after Lebaran, before I realize how lucky and grateful I feel…

quote di Perahu Kertas nya Dee:
"Hati tak pernah memilih. Hati dipilih" - dan hati gw dipilih oleh seorang pembohong.
"Hati tak perlu memilih. Ia selalu tahu kemana harus berlabuh" - dan hati gw berlabuh pada seorang pembohong.


Another scrabblings… few days after the first...

It’s time to let go...just...let it go. Empty your heart....feel the hollowness. It’s much better than you keep reminiscing ... keeping the memory (fake memory) that is only real for you, not for him.

Respect, love yourself. It’s better than you keep on clinging on the fake ‘nice’ memory, about an image. It’s just an illusion…it’s not real.

He pushed you off the cliff. He killed you. Whether you will survive or die, it’s all up to you. It’s in your hand. Whether you want to stay in the bottom of the cliff, or you want to slowly, painfully, start to climb the cliff; and at the end of the day, you will stand with your head held high. Whatever happens, he is no longer your circle of concerns...or influence.

Ingat: JAGOAN SELALU MENANG BELAKANGAN.


The last scrabblings written yesterday…

14/10/09 09:10 PM
Jam segini, tepat sebulan lalu. Gw lagi nangis bombay over something yang bahkan gak nyata. Sesuatu yang hasil rekayasa. Waktu itu gw lagi terseok-seok berusaha bisa berdiri, keluar dari ruang kerja gw, meninggalkan tumpukan buku, dokumen, kerjaan yang berserakan – mereka adalah saksi berakhirnya sebuah hubungan (no, I revise: sebuah tipu daya. Dalam sebuah hubungan mesti ada 2 orang - gak lebih - dan harus ada kejujuran), untuk pulang.

Refleksi balik, tepat sekitar setelah maghrib hari itu, Allah menjawab doa gw dengan menjembreng fakta akan sebuah ilusi; sesuatu yang sebetulnya udah banyak tanda2nya, bahkan sejak awal sebenarnya, Cuma gwnya aja yang bego. Gak mau percaya kata hati sendiri.

And just now, saat waktu yang kurang lebih sama, gw mentertawakan sebuah fakta besar yang tadi pagi gw konfirm. I laughed at myself with a good friend. We made jokes out of the lies...and the facts...

In that case: I don’t think I should be worried with my life. It’s not a misery; it’s a bless - that Allah loves me and let me out of worse situation.

It’s already become a joke - not me, he is. Simply as that. So why sweat myself to regret a joke??

confirmation

yes, it's confirmed. i lost it. period. no more negotiations. what's left is broken pieces of it. oh ya...and one more thing left: me...picked up the pieces, put them in the box, put the box at the back of the shelf. until i'm ready to open the box and mend the pieces.

Jogja (day 2)

Let's continue our journey...

24 October

As we arrived to Jogja on 3.30 am, we went directly to hotel, got pushed by the committee to some rooms for shower and rest (hehehe...it's very fun!!!).. had shower on 4 am in the morning, with warm water...hhh...what a nice life. While waiting the others had their turns, I crashed in the sofa on the corner...slept (or dead???) like a bear hybernating. IDL, my buddy AND my roommate during HK trip and Jogja felt necessary to shout a little to wake me up. hahahaha....

First trip: Keraton...we had our first photo session in here. hahaha...IT WAS FUN!!!

After Keraton and lunch, we went to the most awaited place to visit: Malioboro!! We're ready to spend our fortune!!! hehehehe...In Mirota, we, I in particular, practically made our selves broke :((

As I stepped out the store, the heat strucked me, and my 'nyai2' illness (a.k.a masuk angin) got worse. I immediately went back to the hotel, then tried to minimise the pain by having massage. It was nice, but the accumulation of stress and pain (let's face it, i'm not young as back then..I can't push myself that hard again) made my headache even worse. So.. I decided to go to my friend's room whose a medicine (pain killer, i supposed? hahaha)...

Romantic part 1: I was surrounded by nice people!!! really nice people!!! YYH, IDL and DS helped me got through my pain in my head. YYH provided me with the medicine, DS provided me with the 'orang pintar' medicine (the one which Agnes Monica stars the commercial :p), IDL made me a very delicious Wedang Jahe. huhuhu....i was overwhelmed :(( - after bombing my body with the those things, I fell asleep...zzzz.........

And suddenly i woke up and...FELT MUCH BETTER!!! Yeay!!!! Thanks, Gals!!!

Dinner...nothing special, I suppose - besides that the restaurant was located in KotaGede, in the same location as a silver jewelry store. I don't have to tell you the rest (about how I went around the store for almost 1 hour, almost missed the dinner, and ended up buying....ONLY A PAIR OF EARINGS???!!!). AAANYWAY......after dinner we came back to the hotel, decided to crashed in to bed early (for early morning noble plan - watching sunrise @ Borobudur temple - initiated by SS).

Day 2 is over. I'm tired. Let's continue...the soonest I got the mood to write :))

Merinding

Gw lagi antri di dokter. Lama...pasien banyak, dokter mulainya telat, gw dapet nomor belakangan. Jadilah gw nunggu...

Pemandangan depan gw saat ini membuat gw merinding....bukan merinding takut...gak jelas definisinya....tp yg jelas gw merinding...

Ada sepasang suami istri...mungkin sekitar umur 60-70an. Sang istri di kursi roda, make kerudung, kurus. Suami diiringi 2 anak (usia remaja - dewasa lah) dan 1 suster mendorong kursi roda, dan menemani nunggu dokter yg entah apakah sama dg dokter gw atau gak...

Sepertinya sang istri menderita suatu rasa sakit yang konsisten ada. Dengan usianya, dia berusaha menahan rasa sakit tp sesekali terdgr keluhan yg gak jelas darinya. Sesekali tampak dia tidak tahan dengan sakitnya shg keluhannya terdengar lebih keras dan hampir menangis.

Dan...

Yang dilakukan suaminya adalah diam, meletakkan tangan di bahu sang istri, showing his support. Dia tidak bisa menghilangkan rasa sakit itu, literally. Dia tidak bisa menyembuhkan, literally...tapi dia ada di sana... Providing this huge support. Without complaining....

That's what makes me having these goosebumps....
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Jogja, 23-26 Oct 08 (day 1)

I love my weekend @ Jogja!!! It was fun, hillarious, slightly creative, slightly romantic (he???!!!)

Here's how the story goes....

23 Oct 08
- I started the day with some excessive adrenaline in my body. The excitement of the upcoming trip plus this big presentation I had to make in front of 150 managers and partners in the afternoon made me act like a loose canon. I couldn't concentrate on a single task!!! I kept looking at my cue cards, counting the hours...
- 10.00: time for presentation rehearsal. The person who coached me gave me very supporting feedback, valuable input. And still...I had this excessive hormone called Adrenaline. As usual, I acted instinctively to channel this energy and to release my excitement AND nervous feeling, by......JUMPING IN A PARTNER'S ROOM!!! Hahaha...it's was so funny seeing his face, wondering what the hell I was doing. "It's not an olympic", he said... :))
- after rehearsal, while I was still having ADHD syndrome, I had this short meeting with my career coaches. They saw this 'panic disorder' in my eyes, and kindly they supported me!! Hiks...they're sooo nice....
- Lunch time...couldn't swallow anything except fast food. Time is running out!!! It's 2 hours before the presentation!
- 2.00 pm: I was seated at table no. 13...tried to give full attention to the speeches and movies...took notes....and my heart started to beat faster...and faster....and faster...as the time to my and my friend's presentation was coming...
- coffee break: no way that we could chat around, enjoying the snacks! We went to the back of the screen, rehearsing. Suddenly I couldn't breath! I felt this urge to do what I had always done in my younger days (yeah right, I'm old..) before singing with the choir. Slowly, I walked to the back of the room, tried to find some space to do.....vocalizing!!!! Haahahahaha....I was going to do presentation, and I felt like it's a show!!! What a 'bantam' I was!!! :)) -- anyway, I couldn't do that, Person No. 1 called me, and (again, I was surrounded by nice people) took me to the stage, let me familiarizing with the tools, mike, the stage. He even arranged some introduction scenario!!! What a great guy.
- everyone came into the room. Person No. 1 introduced us, and let the show began....Alhamdulillah.... To cut the long story short, it went well.....
- To Gambir, using taxi with the other 4....
- let's go to jogja!!!! Enjoy the bumpy ride :))

*to be continued*

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